Saying Goodbye

Usually...I find myself sad to leave one place to go to another, even though I'm always super excited to go. But this time, I felt no sadness. I was ready. SO ready to leave. I guess I really have nothing left in Berkeley. The one thing that I really held on to has turned its back on me and left. It really is time to move on. And move on I will.

I am so happy to be in Taiwan right now. Even if I don't have too much time to hang out with friends, I am spending time with family. And that is what's important right now.

Another good thing is that I am finally eating again. I mean..who can say no to the deliciousness that is Taiwan food? So yea. Maybe I'll be able to gain back the 10 pounds I lost in the last couple of weeks.

This is going to be an awesome break. And when I go back to Cali after, I'm going to be ready to face the world again.

Toots! :D

I know that my life doesn't suck as much as other people. I know that I will most likely get through this. I know that this is all short-term.

But this keeps repeating itself. I've had enough. I'm tired. I cannot handle being on my own anymore. I just want to go home.

I am beyond stressed right now. I have reached the point of depression. Ever since my dad went back to China, I have not had a decent meal. I am not sleeping enough. And I am not eating. I have been trying to do things to keep my mind off things. The only time I am okay is at work. But today, I have reached my breaking point. Nothing can cheer my up right now. I received my Christmas present from a friend in the mail today and I didn't even want to open it.

I am not okay anymore. And I am going to fail the GRE on Monday.

I wish I was suicidal. Because I wish I could just end it all so that I don't have to continue going through this again.

Fails

I want to do something with my life. I want to do something that will make me feel good about myself. Because all I feel right now is disappointment.

I am such a failure.

An Unexpected Turn of Events

Well, I guess I kind of saw it coming...but didn't expect it to happen so soon.

Part of me just wants to burst out in tears. The other part of me doesn't really know what to do.

The sad thing is that after Thanksgiving, I was ready to move on. But then someone decided to get in the middle of our business and talk and now things are all messed up again.

I don't really know what to say right now. Once again, this is horrible timing. Now I don't really know what to look forward to.

I wish I had someone to talk to here. I wish I had a home or family nearby that I could just go to. Alas, I have neither.

Stuck.

I just want to go home.

But where is home?

Reality Check

Last week I got to take a break from everything. I got an opportunity to put all my worries aside and really live life. And it was truly wonderful.

I am thankful for...

...my dad for booking these plane tickets for me with his mileage

...chenchen for driving me everywhere and letting me crash his place

...v&chen for listening and giving me the reality check that i needed

...v&y for letting me hang with them everyday even though i'm sure they wanted to have some alone time together

...wq for listening and letting us crash her place

It's been so long since I could simply just sit down and talk to someone about what's on my mind and feel comfortable doing it. It has helped me sort some things out and truly realize just how miserable I was. I am now pretty set on leaving Berkeley when the school year ends. Which is a bit unfortunate since I would love to continue working with Oakland schools.

I am grateful for being able to have this break. Even though the weather in the East Coast is horrible compared to the West Coast, I didn't want to leave. If I could stay in the East Coast, I would even though I do not like the weather. Because the company is what really matters. Just thinking about leaving made me want to cry.

But I am back in Berkeley now. I have awaken from my dream and am back in the real world. Time to face those problems again and stay strong. I will prevail. Because I almost always do. Just like how I made it through the very long CSET exam thinking I had failed at least one section. Turns out I didn't. Passed all three subtests. It was a nice welcome back gift from California. So there is my proof that I can make it through another three weeks before I close my eyes to another dream...in the faraway land of Taiwan.

add oil~ =]

Sometimes....I hate myself.

I hate how I am such a sarcastic angry bitch around people. It's no wonder no one wants to hang with me. I'm bad company.

But I'm not like this to everyone. It seems the farther away from Berkeley they are, the less sarcastic angry and bitch-like I am to them.

What is wrong with me? How do I control myself.

On a completely separate note...

The best lie is the truth.

The best lie is one that even the liar him/herself believes to be the truth. When one can't tell the difference between reality and a lie. That is incredibly scary.

Why do people even lie? What is the purpose behind hiding the truth?

Wishes

Today I stayed up, drove up up up, laid down on a rock, and watched the sky as I waited to see some shooting stars. I managed to spot four and only made a wish with one. For some reason, I just couldn't think of any wishes to make. Guess I was too busy looking for the shooting stars I didn't think about wishes.

Well, now that I'm actually thinking about wishes...my four wishes:

1. Get into Stanford.

2. My friend gets into Stanford (given that she applies)

3. To be happy.

4. To find an awesome companion.

The only wish I managed to get in with the shooting stars was the first. Guess you can tell what's been on my mind lately...

Moving On

He has found someone.

I'm glad he's moved on. Though it breaks my heart just a little bit. But it's okay. I deserved that one. It was an opportunity I missed.

It is time that I do the same too. And actually do it this time. I keep telling myself to move on. And yet find myself holding onto things.

Let go, Pam. There's nothing left to hold on to. It is really time to move on.

你會找到幸福的...你一定會的...不能放棄....只要有希望, 就會有機會成現...要加油~

Support Poles

I am so thankful to have friends who I can complain to or just say stupid things to and will take me for who I am. I don't feel neglected or left out because they will share their 心事 with me too. And they know that I don't judge despite all the judging comments I make.

However, it is very unfortunate that all of these friends are either in a different country or a different state. Today, I spent an hour talking to a friend who is on the other side of the Pacific Ocean. I have not talked to him in person for 3 years. And today I finally got to hear his voice again. Three years of no communication and we were able to just talk for like an hour plus, just like the good old times. Granted, I was helping him with something so we had something to talk about. But during the conversation, he would still share stories of his time in the army, filling up the time gap that we missed during our no communication.

These are the kind of friends I need to be around. People who can lean on each other. Here at Berkeley, I'm just a leaning post. I'm the supportive one, the one who takes care of those who need it. And that's ok. But I need a support pole for myself too. And I've decided that I'm not going to waste my time looking for one here because I simply just don't care.

I will just look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas, where I will be in the same location as my support poles.

Sigh

Depressed. Stressed. Simply not enjoying life. What I really want to do right now is get out of here, and not turn around.

Berkeley was never a happy place for me. From my first failed "relationship" to never happy roommate situations every single year. And yet I keep tricking myself by thinking it will be better the next year. And it never is. And now I find myself back in the dumps.

I'm getting so tired of drama. Drama after drama. My life is just filled with drama. And as much as I want to forget about the past, the past will never leave me. If I stay in Berkeley anymore, I will only be continually haunted by my wretched past. I seriously need to leave this place.

But I cannot just leave right now. My work is not done yet. The only thing left keeping me sane is my work. And I will not desert it. So, despite all my unhappiness here, I will fight. I will stay strong. Just one more year. And then I will leave this horrible place and not turn back. Because there is nothing here left for me. Not even a single friend (barely).

不管我到哪裡, 我總是覺得很寂寞.

怎麼辦?

Break

I am so over blogging....

...for now.

There are tons of things I want to write. But I'm back at the stage where I think about the things, but never actually write them down. Just no motivation I guess. And I have a lot of entries that I started and have never finished.

So I guess I'm going to be taking a break now. I will return when I find that motivation again.

Expectations

I find it interesting how people think I have high expectations of them. I'm not sure where they get this from. Maybe it's because of how I react to certain things or the things I say to others.

In reality, I really am just a whatever person. 一個很隨便的人.

Yes, I may disapprove of some things you may do, I may show my disapproval. But I'm not going to get on your case if you continue doing it. As long as you keep yourself safe, then go for it. Though it may seem like it at times, I am NOT your mother. I am not going to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. I may give you my opinion or advice, but I don't expect you to listen and follow.

It all really comes down to trust. I trust you to know what the right thing to do is. If you think what you are doing is the right thing for you, then I am not going to get in your way.

The only person I have high expectations for is myself. Sometimes it's a good thing. Other times it's a bad thing. It's hard to find that balance and I know that I can't do it on my own. One day...

I Write for Me

Just to clarify with the very few readers I have.

Sometimes I need a space. A space to whine. A space to complain. A space to share my joys. A space to share my sorrows. And I have made this blog my space. I write whatever is in my head because this blog is for me. There is no censoring.

To those who read this. I have not told many people about this blog. In fact, I have only given three people the address to this blog. This is how personal and private this blog is to me. I write this blog for me. But yet, I still let some people in because I am okay with them knowing the real me. Sometimes I feel as though my actions and reactions to things can be misinterpreted from what is really going on in my head. So this is it. This is the real deal. No hiding behind a mask because there is no mask to hide behind here.

Given that, when I do rant, I'd take it with a grain of salt. I don't get angry much so when I do I get pissed like no other. But it goes away pretty fast. But yea.

I don't really know why I'm writing this since this is a blog for me. But hey, gotta respect the readers I do have right? xP

The Power of Observation

I like to observe. I especially like to check out people's living spaces. Because that is how I gather information about people. You'd be surprised by how much you can learn about a person by just looking at his/her room or wallet. I think I learn more about a person through observation rather than by talking with him/her.

I am not an analytical person. I don't always analyze things. Sometimes, I think the answer to "why does he/she do this?" is simply, "because that's how he/she is." with no need for further analysis. But I'm always observing. I look out for body language. I look out for lil quirks. I notice patterns. I'm not always observing, but I do do it often.

Basically, always keep your eyes and ears open. You'd be amazed at the things you can learn just from hearing and seeing.

Though, observation can also be wrong too because most of the time it leads to speculation. And we all know what assuming does...

To Someone

Please do NOT fall for me.

I can tell that you are becoming more comfortable around me. Which is totally fine. But please don't change that into liking. Because that's not fine, and it's not something I want to deal with right now. There are so many reasons I can list for why this would not work with the first being that you are younger than me and I see you as a kid and nothing more. I do not want to have to reject and hurt you.

So, let's just be friends. We can be good friends. But that's all we can be.

Thank you.

Sacrifice

Today's car ride back from work was filled with lots of thinking.

我覺得我好像在虐待自己. 有何必這樣做嗎? 為什麼事情老實要搞得這麼複雜? 是我自己搞的嗎?

好想逃避. 但, 我能逃到哪裡去呢? 不管我到哪裡去 (台灣或美國), 還是有些過去的事要面臨. 但每次去面對好像只會把它弄得更複雜.

好頭痛ㄛ~

I wish I could just let go and not care anymore and just walk away. 但我不是這種人. 我就是要知道. Would I rather know something and get hurt knowing or not know it at all? But there's always the risk of me finding out later and getting hurt still. So I guess the results are still the same.

每次都覺得我好想在犧牲自己. Sacrifice myself so that others can be happy. 說到犧牲, 就會讓我看我桌上貼的quotes:

"Sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to."

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really using it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

- The Five People You Meet in Heaven

這就是我的命, 沒辦法改變的. 只能勇敢的去過. 我心甘情願地犧牲自己, 把我的快樂交給別人. 自己做的決定就要自己負責. 我已經做了這個決定, 就得接受the consequences.

不用快樂, 但還是要好好地過生活. 加油, 本珺, 你一定可以的.

But that wasn't all that was on my mind today...

Charity

I don't mind giving to charity. If it's for a good cause, then I'm totally for it. So in most cases, I don't mind spending money on benefit events because I'm essentially donating money for a good cause. I've even made it my goal to donate money to a charity on my birthday every year (this whole thing started after that Sichuan earthquake hit in China on my birthday).

But what happens if I don't want to give to a particular charity? I just heard about this tennis benefit event that's happening this weekend. Apparently a really famous men's doubles team will be showcasing there which has caught my interest. I'd love to go watch a good tennis match. And it's only $20 for a ticket which I think is totally fine for a benefit event.

But here comes the conflict. This event is for Alta Bates, the hospital where I made two emergency room visits to and had probably one of the worst experiences of my life. Yes, it's usually good to donate money to a hospital. But given the shitty service I received from them, I don't want particularly want to cough up money to donate to them, even if it is $20.

But I want to go watch tennis.

Oh man, such a conflict. What do I do. @@

Confuzzled

I am confused again. I have only been out of school for four months. I've been working for less than a month. But I have found that I really do enjoy this working life.

I don't like school. I was completely over school when I came back from studying abroad in Taiwan and pretty much took the minimum I could during my last semester at Berkeley. I just don't feel like I learn anything. Going to most lectures just seem like a waste because whatever professors lecture can be read from the textbook we have to read. And I just don't feel as if I retain anything I learn.

I guess I'm a more hands-on person. I must experience it to really learn and retain all the information. This is why I would rather work than go to classes. Or maybe I just chose the wrong major. I don't mind doing homework (that is not reading) because it helps me understand the material. Simply reading does nothing for me. And well, the only homework we ever really got in pscyh was reading and occasional reports. Maybe my major has made me lose interest in school.

And now that I'm thinking about this...I find myself reconsidering everything again. Do I really want to go back to school? Granted it's only like 1 or 2 years. But think of the things I could be doing instead.

I am reconsidering applying for Teach for America. I was not impressed last year when I talked to the recruiter. But this will allow me to start work immediately rather than have to go through a year or two of schooling.

And then there's the teaching English in Taiwan. Should I re-apply for that again now that I have my diploma?

Do I apply for everything again? It's so much money. And if I choose Teach for America over grad school? Think of all the money I would've wasted in applying because I cannot defer grad school admissions.

Man, I really do think too much.

But...what should I do?

Songwriting

After watching so many singing shows and whatnot, I've always been a bit curious about songwriting. When I studied abroad in Taiwan, the university I was at had a Songwriters Club so I joined it to check it out. Of course, all their classes and whatnot were in Chinese. I never really learned music theory when I was playing instruments. Try trying to understand music theory in Chinese. LoL.

But yea. Anyways. Since then I've kinda tried my hand at songwriting. Very unmotivated about it. And I guess it's one of those things where you need 靈感 for. At least for me that's the case. So far I have written two sets of lyrics and one of those lyrics has a melody with it.

The first set of lyrics came to me after I was having a conversation with a friend (who was actually the president of the Songwriters Club) about how Taiwanese girls can be so bitchy and demanding and how Taiwanese guys can be so weak at times. He's a guy and he agreed. And I was talking to him and telling him that he needs to stand up for himself. But he kept making all these excuses like how sometimes you just gotta let yourself be whipped, etc. And I was getting so frustrated. After the convo was over, I wrote these lyrics:

===

Stand Up For Yourself

There's too much injustice in this world

that we all want to stop

but where do we start?

we start with ourselves.

stand up for yourself

speak your thoughts

because if you don't

no one will do it for you

stand up for yourself

what we don't hear,

we will never know

so you must be loud and clear

so boys, don't let the girls treat you like slaves

and girls, don't let the boys treat you like toys

we must break free from our chains

we all need to stand up, stand up for ourselves

stand up for yourself

because if we want to save the world

we must start by saving ourselves

===

Sounds kinda like a poem now now that I'm rereading it. But a lot of songs are poems so I guess it's kind of the same thing. No melody for this. The lyrics came to me. But the melody didn't. It's been a year and still no melody is crossing my mind.

The second time I attempted something was a bit more complete. Lyrics with a melody. I even have harmony set but no background music. This song came to me during a downtime of mine last year after spring break with an ordeal I had with a friend. I think the song kind of explains it all:

====

[Untitled]

Verse 1

Life is full of crazies

I know, cuz I've had my share.

But please, don't leave me hanging,

Cuz I, want to know you're there.

But how, am I supposed to know?

If you, won't tell me so.

And why, won't you just trust me?

Because I believed in you so.

Chorus

I gotta get me out of here

Maybe cuz my time is near

Where do I go?

What do I know?

I thought I'd put my trust in you.

But maybe that was wrong to do.

Cuz now I don't know.

Where I should go.

Guess I gotta go home.

Verse 2

I thought this could last forever

Even though, my friendships never last.

Now look at what has happened.

I guess I'm reliving my past.

But why, does this hurt so much?

That you chose him over me.

Guess I, put too much faith in you.

I thought, that's how friends should be.

Chorus

Guess I gotta get me out of here

Maybe cuz my time is near

Where do I go?

What do I know?

I thought I'd put my trust in you.

But maybe that was wrong to do.

Cuz now I don't know.

Where I should go.

Guess I gotta go home.

Bridge

Now I...I don't know

Should...Should I let go?

Chorus

Now I gotta get me out of here

Because I know my time is near

But how do I go?

Won't you tell me so.

I thought I'd put my trust in you.

But maybe that was wrong to do.

Cuz now I'm alone.

With nowhere to go.

Guess I gotta go home.x3

But where is home?

I don't know.

====

No title for this song yet. I'd post the melody here but I don't know how to post music on this. If you can tell, it's also been a while since I've come back to this song. Main reason being that I don't know how to use the software I have for making background music. And I don't know how to play the guitar.

I don't like showing incomplete work. I've only shown the first "song" to Songwriter Club people. And only two people who are not from the club have heard my second song. I guess I'm not too confident about this kind of stuff. Even lyrics I don't want to show. But I consider this blog my own little personal space so I'll put it here.

One day I will finish at least the second song. One day...

Fail.

So I write the entry last night about not making empty statements and saying I'll do a list of things. And today I failed at it. :(

*I ate out for lunch AND dinner today. No good. At least I didn't finish either of them so have leftovers for two meals.

*Choked on water while trying to swallow the multi-vitamin so ended up not taking it.

*Been working all night since like 10pm scanning articles for the OASES ed seminar "reader." I'm almost done scanning (It is now 2:34am). Then I need to zip them up and email them to the coordinator in charge. My scanner is being moody (keeps disconnecting) so this is going super slow.

It's funny how I am staying up doing OASES stuff. Before, I would not be okay with this. But now that I've somewhat established myself with EPIC, I am okay with spending the free time I have working on OASES stuff.

Though now I don't know if I will be going to court tomorrow to try to get out of my stop sign ticket. Kind of scared of going AND I'd have to wake up at like 7am since registration starts at 7:30am. Guess we'll see...$202 is a lot of money. That I currently don't have right now.

OASES gossip makes me laugh.

Word.

I'm done making empty statements.

我說到...就一定要做到.

I've been saying for a long time that I wanted to exercise and play sports again. But was never able to consistently start it up again. When I was a freshman in college, I said that I would get RSF membership if they lowered the fees. And they did. And still I managed to not get RSF membership for the next three years.

Wasted four years of my life not staying healthy. It's time to stop. It's time for me to start practicing what I preach. It's time to start learning how to take care of myself, appreciate myself, and love myself for who I am. It's the only way that I will be able to truly love someone else and be able to feel their love for me.

From now on:

...I am going to cook as much as I can instead of going out to eat.

...I will eat my vitamins daily.

...I will workout at home every night.

Started the vitamin thing last week. Started workout and cooking this week. Now that we actually have groceries, I expect to do a lot more cooking (getting sick of going out to eat anyways). And the workout? It's really nothing compared to what other people do. In fact, I probably don't even hit one hour. But that's okay because I'm going to start off slow.

Add oil. I know I can do it.

Teaching

Today was my first day teaching enrichment (visual arts). It was actually a lot of fun. I'm starting to really enjoy this job. I knew it was going to be different from OASES, especially with the demographics (OASES is pretty much all Asian while EPIC is Latino and African American). But the children are just so adorable. Especially my first graders. I really enjoy working with them. For a while I was a little discouraged that I was the only one working in pairs to lead the smallest group in the program. But today my supervisor moved my partner to the 3rd grade group, the largest one, to help out over there, leaving me by myself with the first graders. This may not seem like much, but it meant a great deal to me. I'm the only newbie in the team and the fact that my boss chose to leave me with a team to myself rather than my partner, a veteran, shows to me the trust she has in me to be able to handle the group on my own. It really boosts my own confidence in myself.

Anyways, back to teaching. I'm really enjoying the facilitating of activities and lessons. A big applause to my boss for gathering all the information and compiling lesson plans and activities. It really makes teaching these so much easier when the lesson is already set out for you. And the kids really listen. Sometimes they may look like they aren't paying attention, but you'll see when you see the work they do, that they really are listening.

Yesterday, I had journal time with my first graders. Since they haven't learned how to write words yet, we did the journal activity with pictures instead. This month is about teambuilding so the topic for the day was trust. I talked with my first graders about what it means to trust and who some of the people we trust are (friends, family, teachers, etc). The journal prompt was: Who do you trust the most? Most of the kids drew their best friends. But one kid drew me. I was so touched. How weird is it when you have your kids present their work and you ask them, "Who do you trust the most?" and they reply "Ms. Pam." And I've only known them for less than a week!

That, my friend, is the beauty of childhood. The innocence. The care-free love. They don't have to know you for long, they will still love you anyways. And no matter how bad the day went between you and them, every day is always a new day and all bad things will be forgotten. Oh how I wish I could be like that.

And this is why I love working with children. They help me refresh my mind. During training, we talked about how we have to put our personal lives aside when we are with the children and give our 200%. I don't even have to worry about focusing on the kids because right when I walk into the program office, all I'm thinking about is the kids. I'll admit that I have a lot of worries going on in my head, but they have never been able to run through my head while I am at program. Which is strange because I wasn't able to avoid that while tutoring at OASES. Wonder why that is. Could it be the kids?

For a while I have been a little wary about my decision to become a teacher. My parents aren't particularly supportive of it. They don't think it's the right path for me to take (my mom keeps telling me to rethink my decision and go into project management instead) and so I keep trying to convince myself otherwise. Now that I am finally finding myself in a somewhat teaching position, I have realized that this is what I want to do. This is something I enjoy. And even if the pay is not much, it is something that makes me happy. Seeing the smiles on these children's face is what makes everything all worth it.

But there is definitely still room for me to grow. I have discovered that I am constantly telling my kids that they "NEED to do this..." I need to find a better word to use than need. It sounds too demanding and just doesn't sound very good. Must figure out something. Hmm...

Wild Child

Tonight a friend dropped by our apartment while slightly intoxicated. He was hilarious. Last friday my roommate came back from a party somewhat inebriated. She was super cute and funny. Both of these people seemed so carefree and happy even though I'm sure both of them have tons of things to worry about in their life.

Seeing people like these being able to enjoy themselves once in a while makes me envious. Sometimes I wish I was able to enjoy the effects of alcohol. Sometimes I wish I could really just get drunk and be able to just not care about anything, even if it's just for a short period of time.

Sometimes I just want to go wild. But I never do. I can't explain why. Maybe it's because I have this image with just about everyone that I feel like I need to keep. But then again I am also allergic to and have low tolerance for alcohol and don't really want to push myself to see how far I can go.

So I guess I will just have to live through other people's drunken states. And enjoy the buzzed state I go through just from drinking wine coolers. Ha. So weak.

Dreams

I've been wanting to write this entry for a while, but things kept popping up and I just never got to it.

I am at this stage in life where I am trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do. Granted, I do still have time before I need to actually settle and whatnot. But, I would like to "settle" as soon as possible and not be bothered with all these questions about who I am to myself.

This past summer I've given some thought to what I want. And through the process of applying for schools and stuff, I've also come up with more and more ideas of what I'd like to do. And now I have a list:

1. Get a Masters in Education and Multiple Subject Teaching Credential so that I can teach elementary school.

2. Get a Masters in Counseling Psychology/Marriage and Family Therapy so I can become a child therapist. If I get ambitious I might even go for a School Counseling Credential (P.P.S.) so that I can work in schools.

3. Get TESOL certificate which will hopefully give me a boost with applying to teach English in Taiwan.

4. Open an afterschool program in Taiwan. There will be enrichment and homework time. And everything will be taught in English to provide an English-speaking environment which will help the kids there learn English faster. AND employees will all be ABCs or CBCs. Asians can speak perfect English too!

5. Get a certificate for event planning and start my own online event planning business of some sort.

6. If I still feel like it, get a PsyD so I can become a child psychologist. But I think the counseling might just be enough.

Ideally, I would love to be able to travel between Taiwan and California for the rest of my life. Thinking practically, that's probably not possible. First off, I'd have to find a job that would allow me to do so (hence, trying to create my own job), AND, if I were to get married and whatnot, I'd have to find someone who would be willing to travel back and forth with me too.

Would it sound too crazy of me to say I want to accomplish everything I just wrote? Maybe not. I do still have time. But it might sound crazy to say that I want to try to get 1-3 and maybe even 5 done within the next 2-3 years. Which would mean simultaneously doing two Masters programs. It sounds pretty crazy to me. I don't even want to go back to school, but if it's something I need to do in order to reach my goal, I want to get it done as soon as possible.

Oh, and let's not forget my other dreams that are far beyond reach.

1. Pursue a music career. Go to music school and train.

2. Compete on 星光大道.

3. Record my own album. (Just ONE is enough for me.)

4. Become a backup singer.

Guess I'll worry about those later. If I ever have time.

But for now, let's stick with the first five.

Flustered

Researching schools gives me a headache. @@

Applying for graduate school is so much harder than applying for undergrad. Simply picking schools is quite a headache because this time you're picking schools based on program rather than on fame. But of course, given the fact that I did attend a top university for my undergrad career, I feel this pressure to attend an university that is equally as good or better.

I keep putting all this stuff off. I'm trying to do multiple things at once. Trying to get all my exams done before apps are due. Trying to figure out what schools I want to apply for before the apps are due. Gathering all the diff essay prompts for all the diff schools so that I can start working on those. Figuring out if there is a way for me to simultaneously do two master programs at two different schools (one on-campus and the other online). Which would mean I'd have to look at even more schools. But I've never heard of more than half of these schools. And makes thinking of people to ask for rec letters even more complicated. And I have work. And a life to deal with.

救命啊~ @@

Speaking of which, the admission officer for USC's online credential program keeps calling me. I can't decide which one I want to apply for. I'm stuck. But I should really call him back.

我累了...

Some Inspirational Quotes

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." - Maya Angelou

" You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who are youare, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." - Maya Angelou

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe

"If you would create something, you must be something." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"It is easier to be wise for others than for oursevles." - Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Indifference?

I'm such a weird person.

When I find myself in sticky situations that involve other people, I want to feel mad. I want to hate on them. I want to lash out on them.

But...I can't.

Instead, I say all these things that will make whoever is listening to me hate on them and talk shit about them while I end up trying to the defend the person by trying to figure out the reason for their actions.

I'm finding this to be the case more and more often. As strange as it sounds, these kinds of conversations make me feel better because usually all I'm really feeling is hurt. And just hearing others lash out tell me that there are others who care and will stand up for me if I needed them to.

There are some people who get mad easily and forgive easily. I'm one of those people who don't get mad very easily, which is to say that if I do get mad, I won't forgive easily. But with this most recent situation, I find myself super pissed for two days (that I don't even want to sleep) but also find myself forgiving them for betraying my trust after the pissiness has gone away.

Have I gotten soft? Is this just because I have matured just a little more? Or do I simply just not care at all?

Maybe this whole thing just wasn't as important to me as I thought it was. Or is it because it's just SO important to me that I'm okay with easily forgiving.

I wish I knew.

I think back and wonder why I was so tolerant with certain things. Why I just let some comments hurt/offend me and not stand up for myself. What does this all mean to me?

Man, I wish I understood myself much better.

Outcome

我覺得我長大了.

朋友真的很重要. 我真的很謝謝我朋友給我的支持和鼓勵. 沒有他們的話, 我那會有那個勇氣去面對這個事情.

This is all very new to me still. I'm still processing everything that happened today. So much stuff to absorb.

But this definitely has blatantly pointed out some of my personality flaws. While I know about these flaws, and they really are flaws, I'm still deciding whether or not I want to change them. That sounds kind of strange but the truth is, some of these flaws exist due to the standards and morals I set for myself. So the ultimate decision is whether or not I want to change these standards.

This needs some thinking.

But either way, I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone today. I deserve a pat on the back for that. *pats back*

隨緣吧~

曖昧

This song describes my thoughts exactly.

曖昧

詞︰姜憶萱/顏璽軒
曲︰小冷

曖昧讓人受盡委屈 找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進 何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

只能陪你到這裡 畢竟有些事不可以
超過了友情 還不到愛情
遠方就要下雨的風景

到底該不該哭泣 想太多是我還是你
我很不服氣 也開始懷疑
眼前的人是不是同一個真實的你

曖昧讓人受盡委屈 找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進 何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

曖昧讓人變得貪心 直到等待失去意義
無奈我和你 寫不出結局
放遺憾的美麗 停在這裡

曖昧讓人受盡委屈 找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進 何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

曖昧讓人變得貪心 直到等待失去意義
無奈我和你 寫不出結局
放遺憾的美麗 停在這裡
===

I thought that I was finally going to be able to overcome my own obstacle, my own fear. But it seems like the whole situation has turned itself around and smacking me in the face.

我現在的心情很複雜. 我應該是要傷心還是生氣? 怎麼有一點被利用的感覺. 他說他已經很久沒喜歡一個人了. 那這前兩個月到底是怎麼回事? 現在越想越氣...開始有心痛的感覺. 我本來是跟你說我沒有喜歡的人, 但我好像偷偷地開始對你有感覺了.

我到底該怎麼辦? 還是跟她談吧...不想讓過去的事再發生一變.

....那對你要怎樣?

Goal

My goal for this year is to hopefully be able to discover myself. I want to be able to understand myself fully. I want to know what I'm looking for and what I want.

So this is what this blog will be about. My journey towards my self-discovery whether it be about friendships, relationships, family, personal morals and values. It is really time for me to understand me. Because I ain't getting anywhere without it.

Once again, I have a lot I want to write.

But for now...

...I think I may have made the wrong decision again. Maybe I should've stayed in Taiwan. Maybe I should've stayed in Palo Alto. I thought I'd come back to Berkeley to give some things a chance. But maybe in the end, that opportunity really didn't exist in the first place.

I'd never thought this would happen to me. And hopefully things don't turn out the same way as in the past. I don't really know what to do.

I hope I'm not being used. Because I'm really opening myself up here.

I guess we'll see.

Man, life is so complicated.

The Need to Feel Wanted

I think another way of explaining this need to belong is also the need to feel wanted, but in a healthy sense, and not in a way in which I just get taken granted for.

I'm a pretty independent person. I take care of myself, and I take care of others. I started getting called mommy by my friends in high school because I was always being a mother to them, pestering them about things their parents probably pester them about, and do small acts of caringness like covering them with a blanket/jacket when I find them napping outside. My mom always said that I took care of my friends better than my family. Maybe it's true.

Once I entered college, I continued this mother role with my floormates. I don't really know how it happens, it just does. One of my friends always wonders why I don't want kids when I'm already being a mother to everyone. Maybe that's why. LoL.

But once I started living off campus, that role slowly disappeared. Or maybe not disappeared persay, but more like changed. I didn't live alone. I was still a "mother" to my roommate, but not in the sense that I wanted. I did not want to pick up after my roommate, wash dishes for her, tolerate her mess, and clean up after her. This role continued for the rest of my college career, despite switching roommates. And it also made me really want to just live alone.

But now that college is over, and a summer has passed, I've realized that living alone is not what I want. As independent as I am, sometimes I feel like I'm too independent, and just get tired of having to deal with everything by myself. I don't know, it's just a bunch of confusion.

[this is where my mind started wandering, so i took a break.]

Anyways, now that a summer has passed with me moving from place to place, I've come to understand what I really want in terms of living standards. I don't want to live alone. 我想要人陪. I want to have someone to go home to, someone to cook meals for/with and enjoy with. This someone doesn't have to be a significant other, a friend is just as good. But just someone so that I don't end up cooking a whole tableful of food and then spending a week finishing (mainly because I do not know how to cook for one person). While the cooking part is fun, the eating part isn't very enjoyable when you find yourself eating by yourself. It also makes you eat a lot more too, which might explain why I always feel so fat after eating my own cooking.

Haha, I think I've gone off topic again. But anyhow, I guess I just want to continue feeling wanted. Maybe not like "I want you to cook for me" wanted, but just knowing that people will think of me when they need someone to turn to. People will think of me when they have news to share. Okay, maybe "people" is asking a little too much. But, one person isn't asking too much right?

Maybe this isn't really wanting to feel wanted. But just wanting to know that I am more to others than someone who does your bitchwork and cleans up after you.

This is such a confusing entry.

The Need to Belong

This is a little late, but my dad went back to China last Saturday. The week before that, my mom and little brother went back to China. This year, I have spent more than a month of summer with my family, which is more time than I usually spend with them since they relocated to China. It's been a long time since I've cried about leaving people. But as I packed up my things in the empty hotel room and drove off to Annie's house, I found myself crying.

This summer has been quite eventful, in good ways and bad. It's definitely not how I had expected it to be. My ideal summer after graduation was to be going on some sort of graduation trip with friends (2-week cruise to Bahamas/Carribeans, trip to Europe, or Asia hopping), possibly go on a road trip, continue my usual summer trip to Taiwan, and just relax. Instead, I found myself constantly moving, from a sublet -> friend's house -> Taiwan -> friend's house -> hotel -> friend's house, and finally, back to Berkeley [5 more days!]. Life suddenly got so much more complicated as I struggled to juggle multiple things at once, from finding a place to live to finding a job to simply just be happy. Now that summer has come to an end, it seems the only thing I managed to accomplish on my list of my ideal summer is my trip to Taiwan, and I guess, some relaxation.

Every year, something happens in my life where I just feel myself falling, losing grasp of myself. And during that time period of depression, confusion, and doubts, I always come to some sort of realization. Every realization is different, but it all seems to follow the same theme, theme of loneliness.

I've always found myself searching, searching for something that can help me fill this empty void, this need to feel that I belong somewhere. This all goes way back to my identity crisis that I've been going through since high school, trying to figure out if I was Taiwanese, American, or both. I still haven't completely figured it out, and I think it will be a while until I do. I need to find out where I belong first. All this constant moving has made me feel insecure and not sure where I should be heading. And I have no safe zone. No place that I can call my own. And that is how I know that even though I have family and friends who are out there, I am still, essentially, all alone.

Throughout the course of my college career, I have looked around for something I can be a part of. I participated in floor activities. I joined different clubs. Sometimes things worked out for a bit, other times they didn't. And then I found OASES. And I thought I had finally found something that can help me fill this void. I also found Taiwan, and thought the same thing. But now that I've graduated from college, reality settles in and I find myself all alone again.

There are so many things I want to accomplish in my life. The cool thing about them is that they can be done practically anywhere. I just need to find the right place.

So now I ask myself, where exactly do I belong? How do I find this? Do I find a location or organization first? Or am I looking in the wrong direction and should be looking for a someone instead? [this leads into the next post...]

Life Lesson

So I have so many things to write, but don't know which one to write first.

Let's talk about this week first.

This week has been a somewhat productive, yet tiring week. Last week was all fun and games with my mom and brother here. But after they headed back to China, it was time to get serious again.

Five interviews in three days. Three days of driving back and forth from Milpitas to Oakland/Berkeley. Sounds productive right? But in reality, it sort of felt like a waste of time. I've done so many interviews for the same type of positions that, every single time I leave from an interview, I pretty much already know that I'm not going to get the position.

Interviews are all about selling yourself. Same with cover letters and resumes. But the problem is, I don't know how to sell myself. I just know that I want to be myself. Interviews should feel more like a conversation rather than a drilling Q&A session. But it rarely ever feels that way. People kind of just shoot questions at you and you just shoot answers back. So impersonal and feels so fake at the same time.

But if that's how it goes, what can I do to change it? I've done my share of interviewing people as a coordinator so I thought I had a good idea of what a good and bad interview feels like. But I guess I was wrong. I don't know.

Anyways, five interviews sounds like a good thing to most people. But for me, it was just a frustrating thing. It just felt more like a waste of time because I already had a feeling that they probably weren't going to go well. I was just about to give up because I was having a hard time juggling job hunting and researching and applying for grad schools.

But then 老天爺 decided to give me a chance. At my third interview of the week, I ran into an old acquaintance, someone who I had worked with before at OASES. She was my group leader when I was just a tutor, and also one of my references when I was applying for summer jobs. And then her year term ended and I haven't seen her since the two years I've been coordinator. Turns out she went off to be a site coordinator for a different afterschool program.

Anyways, I ran into her. And told her about my job situation. She asked about OASES. Told her that didn't pan out. And then she asked for my resume. Told me that her site was already staffed, but that she knew other people who were still hiring and would pass on my resume to them. And next thing I know, a couple hours later, I receive a call from one of her colleagues to set up an interview. Had the interview, and the next day, received the job offer.

I really thank 老天爺 for this chance. It has shown me that having connections really make a difference. And it has made me feel really appreciated for my work in the past with OASES. It really makes me happy to know that someone appreciated my work and truly believes in me enough to vouch for me to her colleague and land me this job. And I'm very thankful that all my hardwork and dedication has finally paid off.

I know that I am really behind in life. I started the job hunt late. And definitely started the grad school prepping late. I have only myself to blame for not spending the time during my last semester in college wisely. And now I am suffering the consequences. But I'm trying. I'm trying hard to catch up. And I'm slowly getting there. =]

Multiple Post-age Coming Right Up!

Title says it all. There are tons of things I want to write. But then I get confused about which blog to write it in (xanga or here).

But yea. Look out for them.

Ugh Week.

This week is just a week lined up with interviews. I'm actually pretty exhausted and I've barely started.

This week has also been a foul one and it's only Tuesday. I have just been in a foul mood. And today was Day One of interviews and I just feel like shit. Even watching NCIS didn't make me feel any better.

And then I realized it. I didn't bring my lucky cat along.

Sometimes I can be superstitious.

Must remember to bring lucky cat tomorrow. @@

Change

我已經不是大學生了, 不能一直過著大學生的生活.

要開始好好地調整自己. 雖然還不算是上班族, 但要開始改變自己的心態. 多看看書, 不要一直坐在電腦前面. 也要注意自己的健康, 要吃健康一點, 也要從新開始運動.

我之前過的生活也太蘭了吧.

It's time for a change.

Job hunting is like an uphill downhill rode. Some days I get really excited and motivated when I see all the job postings. Other days, staring at the computer searching for jobs makes me super depressed.

Quite an adventure I tell you.

There's actually quite a bit that I want to write in this blog. But I just haven't gotten to it yet. @@

No Jinxing

To prevent jinxing myself, I've decided to not mention any interviews or whatnot I get to anyone. The next time you'll hear any news from me in regards to job hunting is if I get a job offer.

=]

Tired of...

This is a little sad to say. But with all the cover letter writing and email writing I think I'm starting to get tired of writing. I mean it's not surprisingly that I don't like writing in the first place. English was never my favorite subject and writing personal statements of any kind always gives me a headache. I remember how I stressed so much when taking English R1A and barely made it through with like a B or something.

But personal writing is different. Like emails, letters, postcards, cards, yearbooks. Oh man yearbooks. I was soooo good at writing loooooooong entries in yearbooks. Could fill up a whole insert.

But right now? Right now I don't even feel like writing emails anymore. I don't want to open up another cover letter and reword things for new jobs. I don't mind looking for jobs. I don't mind submitting my resume since I don't have to actually open my resume. But I just don't want to write anymore.

Yargh. How sad is that?

Reality

Job hunting and just communicating with certain organizations has made me realize just how much I dislike reality.

Maybe I just have high expectations of people or something, but I feel that one should always follow the 說到做到 attitude. After sending in so many resumes and cover letters, I've learned to not expect responses from everyone. But if you tell me you are going to contact me within a certain time period, I expect to be contacted by that time period. It shouldn't matter how important I am to your organization. You could be rejecting me for all I care, but please follow what you say and do it.

I hope people realize that the best advertisement for anything is through word of mouth. And everything you say or do leaves a lasting impression. By not following your word you leave me with a bad impression. I understand that the economy is bad and you probably have more applicants that usual but that is not an excuse. If you can't do what you say, then just don't say it.

And this just goes for all situations, not just job hunting. If you tell someone you are going to do something, do it, especially if you give yourself a timeline. This is your own word. No one is forcing you to do what you say you are going to do. If you can't follow your own word, how can you expect people to trust you to follow theirs?

All of this frustration makes me want to form my own company and show people how things should be done. I'll admit, nobody is perfect. I don't always make my own deadlines, but I will still get the work done even if it is late. I don't expect everyone to make all their deadlines, but it's the constant lateness or simply not doing it that bothers me.

But this is reality. And reality sucks.

Burned Out

So I wrote an entry similar to this last week but then the internet died and the entry disappeared. And now I find myself in that state again where I want to write the entry again.

I'm tired. Exhausted. And I think it's all mental.

Writing and sending cover letters can be so draining. Scrolling through job listings can be so tiring. I'm tired of having to be stressing about this every week. And it's sad that I'm feeling burned out each week. It might be due to the fact that I have limited internet so feel the need to take advantage of the times I do have internet and do hardcore job hunting/applying.

But yea...I'm super tired.

New Template

So I finally got rid of that ugly template. Not sure if I like this new one yet. It looks cool and all, but I don't know if it really matches the writing. We'll see.

Maybe now that I've changed the template I'll write more here. I'll have to admit I couldn't stand writing in such an ugly looking blog. Haha.

Of course...I also have to remember the things I want to write here. I seem to always forget once I open the new post page. -_-

I kind of made this blog just because I felt like making another blog with blogger. But now that I've made it I don't really know what I want to write here. Only one person knows about this blog right now. I figured I'd make it public once I actually have stuff in here. I guess I could write about things I'm doing in Taiwan right now but for some reason it doesn't seem like it's worthy of this blog.


Hm, so what exactly will this blog be about? I guess we'll just see as time passes. Right now I'm blogging as an unemployed (sad) college graduate. My very original plan was to take a year off from school and work before heading back to graduate school. Then while I was researching jobs, I thought about taking two years off instead (one year in the US, one year in Taiwan). But with the job market right now, I think one year off is sufficient.

[edit]
So the internet kinda died on me when I was writing this. And now that it's been like 2 days, I don't remember where my thoughts were heading. So I'll just post this.

First Entry!

So since I've been coming back here to read my subscriptions, I figured I might as well make another blog here. My first blog here was a short-term one [only about study abroad experience] so I guess I'll make another short-term one that will describe my experience while on break from being a student [granted, i get into graduate school and all].


So, I'm all graduated now. Whoopee. Haha..not really. It's been a month and a half since I walked. What have I done during that time? Gotta say it has been a rollercoaster ride. Had a good friend come visit for almost 3 weeks. Had a mental breakdown for 2-3 days. And continually on a job hunt which at this point has reached a dead end. Why? Because I'm now out of the country, on a different vacation.


Yep, I'm back in Taiwan again. Kind of ambivalent about being here right now. I pretty much come back like twice a year so it's pretty much been routine now. I guess coming back this time was just bad timing in the sense that if I hadn't already booked this trip, I might already have a job. Oh well. Must not think that way. I guess. Haha.

It's hard to summarize all that has happened before Taiwan so I guess this hiatus blog will just have to begin with my trip to Taiwan. But the time before that was definitely something. I just don't have the memory capacity in my mind to be able to recap it all. xP

It's been day two in Taiwan. I am once again reunited with my mom and lil bro who I haven't seen since April when I went back to Taiwan for my grandfather's funeral. Mm...don't really know what to say now since I've already written emails and whatnot. I guess I'll actually make updates about life starting tomorrow.

Toots for now! xP

Oh yes, Happy Independence Day America!