Wrapping Things Up

It has been almost a month since my last update. Not only that, it is a new year. This is my first entry of 2010, and I have thought a lot about what I want to write for it.

I just went back and read all my entries on this blog. I find it very interesting to see all the emotion that is displayed in my entries. Because this is my "private" blog, I don't censor things. This is raw emotion. And it has really made me realize that I have been so unhappy for so long.

I have always known that I am not happy with life. But this blog has made me understand just how miserable I was. Just about every entry in this blog is talking about my unhappiness. One or two entries are about me trying to fix that; trying to bring some happiness in my life. But every time I try, I seem to fail.

So...what seems to be the problem? After spending my winter break in Taiwan, refreshing myself, I have come to a conclusion that I have always known but never wanted to acknowledge: I keep living in the past. Even though I keep hoping that things will get better, I never forget the past and always keep it in my mind. I keep holding on to what was once good now turned bad, thinking that things will eventually be good again.

And that is my problem. I don't know how to let go. Or I do, but am very slow at it. It took me probably almost 2.5 years to finally let go of my ex (not in the liking way). I have finally been able to let go of my high school drama (5-6 years ago). And the reason is because those involved didn't leave my life. They still had a presence in my life. And with their presence around, no matter how much it was, I just wasn't able to let go. I would see that person and think of all the bads that came with that person. And I simply just couldn't let go.

But this time, I am going to let go. I am not going to drag this on anymore. It has already been dragged on long enough. I have taken myself out of the situation by leaving Berkeley and moving to Oakland. I have also stop communicating with those who were involved. And because of this, need to fully complete this process by not being involved with OASES. I am making myself an outsider now.

It breaks my heart just a little to have to cut ties with an organization that I once loved and devoted my life to. But I can't stay anymore. It just hurts too much. And it brings me so much frustration. I am not sure what to do with my box of memorabilia. I guess it will stay closed for now.

I am not going to dwell on the past anymore. I don't need this in my life. This fight is not worth all the hurt that I've had to deal with. So I'm taking away all the pieces, and taking them out of my life. I am starting anew.

Which means, this blog has come to an early end. I am closing this blog because it has a connection to a game piece that I am taking out of my life. This is the final step in my attempt to leave the past behind and start anew. I can only hope that this attempt will have a positive result.

Good-bye blog. You have served me well.

And to that game piece, please stay out of my life. Thank you.

Saying Goodbye

Usually...I find myself sad to leave one place to go to another, even though I'm always super excited to go. But this time, I felt no sadness. I was ready. SO ready to leave. I guess I really have nothing left in Berkeley. The one thing that I really held on to has turned its back on me and left. It really is time to move on. And move on I will.

I am so happy to be in Taiwan right now. Even if I don't have too much time to hang out with friends, I am spending time with family. And that is what's important right now.

Another good thing is that I am finally eating again. I mean..who can say no to the deliciousness that is Taiwan food? So yea. Maybe I'll be able to gain back the 10 pounds I lost in the last couple of weeks.

This is going to be an awesome break. And when I go back to Cali after, I'm going to be ready to face the world again.

Toots! :D

I know that my life doesn't suck as much as other people. I know that I will most likely get through this. I know that this is all short-term.

But this keeps repeating itself. I've had enough. I'm tired. I cannot handle being on my own anymore. I just want to go home.

I am beyond stressed right now. I have reached the point of depression. Ever since my dad went back to China, I have not had a decent meal. I am not sleeping enough. And I am not eating. I have been trying to do things to keep my mind off things. The only time I am okay is at work. But today, I have reached my breaking point. Nothing can cheer my up right now. I received my Christmas present from a friend in the mail today and I didn't even want to open it.

I am not okay anymore. And I am going to fail the GRE on Monday.

I wish I was suicidal. Because I wish I could just end it all so that I don't have to continue going through this again.

Fails

I want to do something with my life. I want to do something that will make me feel good about myself. Because all I feel right now is disappointment.

I am such a failure.

An Unexpected Turn of Events

Well, I guess I kind of saw it coming...but didn't expect it to happen so soon.

Part of me just wants to burst out in tears. The other part of me doesn't really know what to do.

The sad thing is that after Thanksgiving, I was ready to move on. But then someone decided to get in the middle of our business and talk and now things are all messed up again.

I don't really know what to say right now. Once again, this is horrible timing. Now I don't really know what to look forward to.

I wish I had someone to talk to here. I wish I had a home or family nearby that I could just go to. Alas, I have neither.

Stuck.

I just want to go home.

But where is home?

Reality Check

Last week I got to take a break from everything. I got an opportunity to put all my worries aside and really live life. And it was truly wonderful.

I am thankful for...

...my dad for booking these plane tickets for me with his mileage

...chenchen for driving me everywhere and letting me crash his place

...v&chen for listening and giving me the reality check that i needed

...v&y for letting me hang with them everyday even though i'm sure they wanted to have some alone time together

...wq for listening and letting us crash her place

It's been so long since I could simply just sit down and talk to someone about what's on my mind and feel comfortable doing it. It has helped me sort some things out and truly realize just how miserable I was. I am now pretty set on leaving Berkeley when the school year ends. Which is a bit unfortunate since I would love to continue working with Oakland schools.

I am grateful for being able to have this break. Even though the weather in the East Coast is horrible compared to the West Coast, I didn't want to leave. If I could stay in the East Coast, I would even though I do not like the weather. Because the company is what really matters. Just thinking about leaving made me want to cry.

But I am back in Berkeley now. I have awaken from my dream and am back in the real world. Time to face those problems again and stay strong. I will prevail. Because I almost always do. Just like how I made it through the very long CSET exam thinking I had failed at least one section. Turns out I didn't. Passed all three subtests. It was a nice welcome back gift from California. So there is my proof that I can make it through another three weeks before I close my eyes to another dream...in the faraway land of Taiwan.

add oil~ =]

Sometimes....I hate myself.

I hate how I am such a sarcastic angry bitch around people. It's no wonder no one wants to hang with me. I'm bad company.

But I'm not like this to everyone. It seems the farther away from Berkeley they are, the less sarcastic angry and bitch-like I am to them.

What is wrong with me? How do I control myself.

On a completely separate note...

The best lie is the truth.

The best lie is one that even the liar him/herself believes to be the truth. When one can't tell the difference between reality and a lie. That is incredibly scary.

Why do people even lie? What is the purpose behind hiding the truth?