The Need to Feel Wanted

I think another way of explaining this need to belong is also the need to feel wanted, but in a healthy sense, and not in a way in which I just get taken granted for.

I'm a pretty independent person. I take care of myself, and I take care of others. I started getting called mommy by my friends in high school because I was always being a mother to them, pestering them about things their parents probably pester them about, and do small acts of caringness like covering them with a blanket/jacket when I find them napping outside. My mom always said that I took care of my friends better than my family. Maybe it's true.

Once I entered college, I continued this mother role with my floormates. I don't really know how it happens, it just does. One of my friends always wonders why I don't want kids when I'm already being a mother to everyone. Maybe that's why. LoL.

But once I started living off campus, that role slowly disappeared. Or maybe not disappeared persay, but more like changed. I didn't live alone. I was still a "mother" to my roommate, but not in the sense that I wanted. I did not want to pick up after my roommate, wash dishes for her, tolerate her mess, and clean up after her. This role continued for the rest of my college career, despite switching roommates. And it also made me really want to just live alone.

But now that college is over, and a summer has passed, I've realized that living alone is not what I want. As independent as I am, sometimes I feel like I'm too independent, and just get tired of having to deal with everything by myself. I don't know, it's just a bunch of confusion.

[this is where my mind started wandering, so i took a break.]

Anyways, now that a summer has passed with me moving from place to place, I've come to understand what I really want in terms of living standards. I don't want to live alone. 我想要人陪. I want to have someone to go home to, someone to cook meals for/with and enjoy with. This someone doesn't have to be a significant other, a friend is just as good. But just someone so that I don't end up cooking a whole tableful of food and then spending a week finishing (mainly because I do not know how to cook for one person). While the cooking part is fun, the eating part isn't very enjoyable when you find yourself eating by yourself. It also makes you eat a lot more too, which might explain why I always feel so fat after eating my own cooking.

Haha, I think I've gone off topic again. But anyhow, I guess I just want to continue feeling wanted. Maybe not like "I want you to cook for me" wanted, but just knowing that people will think of me when they need someone to turn to. People will think of me when they have news to share. Okay, maybe "people" is asking a little too much. But, one person isn't asking too much right?

Maybe this isn't really wanting to feel wanted. But just wanting to know that I am more to others than someone who does your bitchwork and cleans up after you.

This is such a confusing entry.