Expectations

I find it interesting how people think I have high expectations of them. I'm not sure where they get this from. Maybe it's because of how I react to certain things or the things I say to others.

In reality, I really am just a whatever person. 一個很隨便的人.

Yes, I may disapprove of some things you may do, I may show my disapproval. But I'm not going to get on your case if you continue doing it. As long as you keep yourself safe, then go for it. Though it may seem like it at times, I am NOT your mother. I am not going to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. I may give you my opinion or advice, but I don't expect you to listen and follow.

It all really comes down to trust. I trust you to know what the right thing to do is. If you think what you are doing is the right thing for you, then I am not going to get in your way.

The only person I have high expectations for is myself. Sometimes it's a good thing. Other times it's a bad thing. It's hard to find that balance and I know that I can't do it on my own. One day...

I Write for Me

Just to clarify with the very few readers I have.

Sometimes I need a space. A space to whine. A space to complain. A space to share my joys. A space to share my sorrows. And I have made this blog my space. I write whatever is in my head because this blog is for me. There is no censoring.

To those who read this. I have not told many people about this blog. In fact, I have only given three people the address to this blog. This is how personal and private this blog is to me. I write this blog for me. But yet, I still let some people in because I am okay with them knowing the real me. Sometimes I feel as though my actions and reactions to things can be misinterpreted from what is really going on in my head. So this is it. This is the real deal. No hiding behind a mask because there is no mask to hide behind here.

Given that, when I do rant, I'd take it with a grain of salt. I don't get angry much so when I do I get pissed like no other. But it goes away pretty fast. But yea.

I don't really know why I'm writing this since this is a blog for me. But hey, gotta respect the readers I do have right? xP

The Power of Observation

I like to observe. I especially like to check out people's living spaces. Because that is how I gather information about people. You'd be surprised by how much you can learn about a person by just looking at his/her room or wallet. I think I learn more about a person through observation rather than by talking with him/her.

I am not an analytical person. I don't always analyze things. Sometimes, I think the answer to "why does he/she do this?" is simply, "because that's how he/she is." with no need for further analysis. But I'm always observing. I look out for body language. I look out for lil quirks. I notice patterns. I'm not always observing, but I do do it often.

Basically, always keep your eyes and ears open. You'd be amazed at the things you can learn just from hearing and seeing.

Though, observation can also be wrong too because most of the time it leads to speculation. And we all know what assuming does...

To Someone

Please do NOT fall for me.

I can tell that you are becoming more comfortable around me. Which is totally fine. But please don't change that into liking. Because that's not fine, and it's not something I want to deal with right now. There are so many reasons I can list for why this would not work with the first being that you are younger than me and I see you as a kid and nothing more. I do not want to have to reject and hurt you.

So, let's just be friends. We can be good friends. But that's all we can be.

Thank you.

Sacrifice

Today's car ride back from work was filled with lots of thinking.

我覺得我好像在虐待自己. 有何必這樣做嗎? 為什麼事情老實要搞得這麼複雜? 是我自己搞的嗎?

好想逃避. 但, 我能逃到哪裡去呢? 不管我到哪裡去 (台灣或美國), 還是有些過去的事要面臨. 但每次去面對好像只會把它弄得更複雜.

好頭痛ㄛ~

I wish I could just let go and not care anymore and just walk away. 但我不是這種人. 我就是要知道. Would I rather know something and get hurt knowing or not know it at all? But there's always the risk of me finding out later and getting hurt still. So I guess the results are still the same.

每次都覺得我好想在犧牲自己. Sacrifice myself so that others can be happy. 說到犧牲, 就會讓我看我桌上貼的quotes:

"Sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to."

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really using it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

- The Five People You Meet in Heaven

這就是我的命, 沒辦法改變的. 只能勇敢的去過. 我心甘情願地犧牲自己, 把我的快樂交給別人. 自己做的決定就要自己負責. 我已經做了這個決定, 就得接受the consequences.

不用快樂, 但還是要好好地過生活. 加油, 本珺, 你一定可以的.

But that wasn't all that was on my mind today...

Charity

I don't mind giving to charity. If it's for a good cause, then I'm totally for it. So in most cases, I don't mind spending money on benefit events because I'm essentially donating money for a good cause. I've even made it my goal to donate money to a charity on my birthday every year (this whole thing started after that Sichuan earthquake hit in China on my birthday).

But what happens if I don't want to give to a particular charity? I just heard about this tennis benefit event that's happening this weekend. Apparently a really famous men's doubles team will be showcasing there which has caught my interest. I'd love to go watch a good tennis match. And it's only $20 for a ticket which I think is totally fine for a benefit event.

But here comes the conflict. This event is for Alta Bates, the hospital where I made two emergency room visits to and had probably one of the worst experiences of my life. Yes, it's usually good to donate money to a hospital. But given the shitty service I received from them, I don't want particularly want to cough up money to donate to them, even if it is $20.

But I want to go watch tennis.

Oh man, such a conflict. What do I do. @@

Confuzzled

I am confused again. I have only been out of school for four months. I've been working for less than a month. But I have found that I really do enjoy this working life.

I don't like school. I was completely over school when I came back from studying abroad in Taiwan and pretty much took the minimum I could during my last semester at Berkeley. I just don't feel like I learn anything. Going to most lectures just seem like a waste because whatever professors lecture can be read from the textbook we have to read. And I just don't feel as if I retain anything I learn.

I guess I'm a more hands-on person. I must experience it to really learn and retain all the information. This is why I would rather work than go to classes. Or maybe I just chose the wrong major. I don't mind doing homework (that is not reading) because it helps me understand the material. Simply reading does nothing for me. And well, the only homework we ever really got in pscyh was reading and occasional reports. Maybe my major has made me lose interest in school.

And now that I'm thinking about this...I find myself reconsidering everything again. Do I really want to go back to school? Granted it's only like 1 or 2 years. But think of the things I could be doing instead.

I am reconsidering applying for Teach for America. I was not impressed last year when I talked to the recruiter. But this will allow me to start work immediately rather than have to go through a year or two of schooling.

And then there's the teaching English in Taiwan. Should I re-apply for that again now that I have my diploma?

Do I apply for everything again? It's so much money. And if I choose Teach for America over grad school? Think of all the money I would've wasted in applying because I cannot defer grad school admissions.

Man, I really do think too much.

But...what should I do?

Songwriting

After watching so many singing shows and whatnot, I've always been a bit curious about songwriting. When I studied abroad in Taiwan, the university I was at had a Songwriters Club so I joined it to check it out. Of course, all their classes and whatnot were in Chinese. I never really learned music theory when I was playing instruments. Try trying to understand music theory in Chinese. LoL.

But yea. Anyways. Since then I've kinda tried my hand at songwriting. Very unmotivated about it. And I guess it's one of those things where you need 靈感 for. At least for me that's the case. So far I have written two sets of lyrics and one of those lyrics has a melody with it.

The first set of lyrics came to me after I was having a conversation with a friend (who was actually the president of the Songwriters Club) about how Taiwanese girls can be so bitchy and demanding and how Taiwanese guys can be so weak at times. He's a guy and he agreed. And I was talking to him and telling him that he needs to stand up for himself. But he kept making all these excuses like how sometimes you just gotta let yourself be whipped, etc. And I was getting so frustrated. After the convo was over, I wrote these lyrics:

===

Stand Up For Yourself

There's too much injustice in this world

that we all want to stop

but where do we start?

we start with ourselves.

stand up for yourself

speak your thoughts

because if you don't

no one will do it for you

stand up for yourself

what we don't hear,

we will never know

so you must be loud and clear

so boys, don't let the girls treat you like slaves

and girls, don't let the boys treat you like toys

we must break free from our chains

we all need to stand up, stand up for ourselves

stand up for yourself

because if we want to save the world

we must start by saving ourselves

===

Sounds kinda like a poem now now that I'm rereading it. But a lot of songs are poems so I guess it's kind of the same thing. No melody for this. The lyrics came to me. But the melody didn't. It's been a year and still no melody is crossing my mind.

The second time I attempted something was a bit more complete. Lyrics with a melody. I even have harmony set but no background music. This song came to me during a downtime of mine last year after spring break with an ordeal I had with a friend. I think the song kind of explains it all:

====

[Untitled]

Verse 1

Life is full of crazies

I know, cuz I've had my share.

But please, don't leave me hanging,

Cuz I, want to know you're there.

But how, am I supposed to know?

If you, won't tell me so.

And why, won't you just trust me?

Because I believed in you so.

Chorus

I gotta get me out of here

Maybe cuz my time is near

Where do I go?

What do I know?

I thought I'd put my trust in you.

But maybe that was wrong to do.

Cuz now I don't know.

Where I should go.

Guess I gotta go home.

Verse 2

I thought this could last forever

Even though, my friendships never last.

Now look at what has happened.

I guess I'm reliving my past.

But why, does this hurt so much?

That you chose him over me.

Guess I, put too much faith in you.

I thought, that's how friends should be.

Chorus

Guess I gotta get me out of here

Maybe cuz my time is near

Where do I go?

What do I know?

I thought I'd put my trust in you.

But maybe that was wrong to do.

Cuz now I don't know.

Where I should go.

Guess I gotta go home.

Bridge

Now I...I don't know

Should...Should I let go?

Chorus

Now I gotta get me out of here

Because I know my time is near

But how do I go?

Won't you tell me so.

I thought I'd put my trust in you.

But maybe that was wrong to do.

Cuz now I'm alone.

With nowhere to go.

Guess I gotta go home.x3

But where is home?

I don't know.

====

No title for this song yet. I'd post the melody here but I don't know how to post music on this. If you can tell, it's also been a while since I've come back to this song. Main reason being that I don't know how to use the software I have for making background music. And I don't know how to play the guitar.

I don't like showing incomplete work. I've only shown the first "song" to Songwriter Club people. And only two people who are not from the club have heard my second song. I guess I'm not too confident about this kind of stuff. Even lyrics I don't want to show. But I consider this blog my own little personal space so I'll put it here.

One day I will finish at least the second song. One day...

Fail.

So I write the entry last night about not making empty statements and saying I'll do a list of things. And today I failed at it. :(

*I ate out for lunch AND dinner today. No good. At least I didn't finish either of them so have leftovers for two meals.

*Choked on water while trying to swallow the multi-vitamin so ended up not taking it.

*Been working all night since like 10pm scanning articles for the OASES ed seminar "reader." I'm almost done scanning (It is now 2:34am). Then I need to zip them up and email them to the coordinator in charge. My scanner is being moody (keeps disconnecting) so this is going super slow.

It's funny how I am staying up doing OASES stuff. Before, I would not be okay with this. But now that I've somewhat established myself with EPIC, I am okay with spending the free time I have working on OASES stuff.

Though now I don't know if I will be going to court tomorrow to try to get out of my stop sign ticket. Kind of scared of going AND I'd have to wake up at like 7am since registration starts at 7:30am. Guess we'll see...$202 is a lot of money. That I currently don't have right now.

OASES gossip makes me laugh.

Word.

I'm done making empty statements.

我說到...就一定要做到.

I've been saying for a long time that I wanted to exercise and play sports again. But was never able to consistently start it up again. When I was a freshman in college, I said that I would get RSF membership if they lowered the fees. And they did. And still I managed to not get RSF membership for the next three years.

Wasted four years of my life not staying healthy. It's time to stop. It's time for me to start practicing what I preach. It's time to start learning how to take care of myself, appreciate myself, and love myself for who I am. It's the only way that I will be able to truly love someone else and be able to feel their love for me.

From now on:

...I am going to cook as much as I can instead of going out to eat.

...I will eat my vitamins daily.

...I will workout at home every night.

Started the vitamin thing last week. Started workout and cooking this week. Now that we actually have groceries, I expect to do a lot more cooking (getting sick of going out to eat anyways). And the workout? It's really nothing compared to what other people do. In fact, I probably don't even hit one hour. But that's okay because I'm going to start off slow.

Add oil. I know I can do it.

Teaching

Today was my first day teaching enrichment (visual arts). It was actually a lot of fun. I'm starting to really enjoy this job. I knew it was going to be different from OASES, especially with the demographics (OASES is pretty much all Asian while EPIC is Latino and African American). But the children are just so adorable. Especially my first graders. I really enjoy working with them. For a while I was a little discouraged that I was the only one working in pairs to lead the smallest group in the program. But today my supervisor moved my partner to the 3rd grade group, the largest one, to help out over there, leaving me by myself with the first graders. This may not seem like much, but it meant a great deal to me. I'm the only newbie in the team and the fact that my boss chose to leave me with a team to myself rather than my partner, a veteran, shows to me the trust she has in me to be able to handle the group on my own. It really boosts my own confidence in myself.

Anyways, back to teaching. I'm really enjoying the facilitating of activities and lessons. A big applause to my boss for gathering all the information and compiling lesson plans and activities. It really makes teaching these so much easier when the lesson is already set out for you. And the kids really listen. Sometimes they may look like they aren't paying attention, but you'll see when you see the work they do, that they really are listening.

Yesterday, I had journal time with my first graders. Since they haven't learned how to write words yet, we did the journal activity with pictures instead. This month is about teambuilding so the topic for the day was trust. I talked with my first graders about what it means to trust and who some of the people we trust are (friends, family, teachers, etc). The journal prompt was: Who do you trust the most? Most of the kids drew their best friends. But one kid drew me. I was so touched. How weird is it when you have your kids present their work and you ask them, "Who do you trust the most?" and they reply "Ms. Pam." And I've only known them for less than a week!

That, my friend, is the beauty of childhood. The innocence. The care-free love. They don't have to know you for long, they will still love you anyways. And no matter how bad the day went between you and them, every day is always a new day and all bad things will be forgotten. Oh how I wish I could be like that.

And this is why I love working with children. They help me refresh my mind. During training, we talked about how we have to put our personal lives aside when we are with the children and give our 200%. I don't even have to worry about focusing on the kids because right when I walk into the program office, all I'm thinking about is the kids. I'll admit that I have a lot of worries going on in my head, but they have never been able to run through my head while I am at program. Which is strange because I wasn't able to avoid that while tutoring at OASES. Wonder why that is. Could it be the kids?

For a while I have been a little wary about my decision to become a teacher. My parents aren't particularly supportive of it. They don't think it's the right path for me to take (my mom keeps telling me to rethink my decision and go into project management instead) and so I keep trying to convince myself otherwise. Now that I am finally finding myself in a somewhat teaching position, I have realized that this is what I want to do. This is something I enjoy. And even if the pay is not much, it is something that makes me happy. Seeing the smiles on these children's face is what makes everything all worth it.

But there is definitely still room for me to grow. I have discovered that I am constantly telling my kids that they "NEED to do this..." I need to find a better word to use than need. It sounds too demanding and just doesn't sound very good. Must figure out something. Hmm...

Wild Child

Tonight a friend dropped by our apartment while slightly intoxicated. He was hilarious. Last friday my roommate came back from a party somewhat inebriated. She was super cute and funny. Both of these people seemed so carefree and happy even though I'm sure both of them have tons of things to worry about in their life.

Seeing people like these being able to enjoy themselves once in a while makes me envious. Sometimes I wish I was able to enjoy the effects of alcohol. Sometimes I wish I could really just get drunk and be able to just not care about anything, even if it's just for a short period of time.

Sometimes I just want to go wild. But I never do. I can't explain why. Maybe it's because I have this image with just about everyone that I feel like I need to keep. But then again I am also allergic to and have low tolerance for alcohol and don't really want to push myself to see how far I can go.

So I guess I will just have to live through other people's drunken states. And enjoy the buzzed state I go through just from drinking wine coolers. Ha. So weak.

Dreams

I've been wanting to write this entry for a while, but things kept popping up and I just never got to it.

I am at this stage in life where I am trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do. Granted, I do still have time before I need to actually settle and whatnot. But, I would like to "settle" as soon as possible and not be bothered with all these questions about who I am to myself.

This past summer I've given some thought to what I want. And through the process of applying for schools and stuff, I've also come up with more and more ideas of what I'd like to do. And now I have a list:

1. Get a Masters in Education and Multiple Subject Teaching Credential so that I can teach elementary school.

2. Get a Masters in Counseling Psychology/Marriage and Family Therapy so I can become a child therapist. If I get ambitious I might even go for a School Counseling Credential (P.P.S.) so that I can work in schools.

3. Get TESOL certificate which will hopefully give me a boost with applying to teach English in Taiwan.

4. Open an afterschool program in Taiwan. There will be enrichment and homework time. And everything will be taught in English to provide an English-speaking environment which will help the kids there learn English faster. AND employees will all be ABCs or CBCs. Asians can speak perfect English too!

5. Get a certificate for event planning and start my own online event planning business of some sort.

6. If I still feel like it, get a PsyD so I can become a child psychologist. But I think the counseling might just be enough.

Ideally, I would love to be able to travel between Taiwan and California for the rest of my life. Thinking practically, that's probably not possible. First off, I'd have to find a job that would allow me to do so (hence, trying to create my own job), AND, if I were to get married and whatnot, I'd have to find someone who would be willing to travel back and forth with me too.

Would it sound too crazy of me to say I want to accomplish everything I just wrote? Maybe not. I do still have time. But it might sound crazy to say that I want to try to get 1-3 and maybe even 5 done within the next 2-3 years. Which would mean simultaneously doing two Masters programs. It sounds pretty crazy to me. I don't even want to go back to school, but if it's something I need to do in order to reach my goal, I want to get it done as soon as possible.

Oh, and let's not forget my other dreams that are far beyond reach.

1. Pursue a music career. Go to music school and train.

2. Compete on 星光大道.

3. Record my own album. (Just ONE is enough for me.)

4. Become a backup singer.

Guess I'll worry about those later. If I ever have time.

But for now, let's stick with the first five.

Flustered

Researching schools gives me a headache. @@

Applying for graduate school is so much harder than applying for undergrad. Simply picking schools is quite a headache because this time you're picking schools based on program rather than on fame. But of course, given the fact that I did attend a top university for my undergrad career, I feel this pressure to attend an university that is equally as good or better.

I keep putting all this stuff off. I'm trying to do multiple things at once. Trying to get all my exams done before apps are due. Trying to figure out what schools I want to apply for before the apps are due. Gathering all the diff essay prompts for all the diff schools so that I can start working on those. Figuring out if there is a way for me to simultaneously do two master programs at two different schools (one on-campus and the other online). Which would mean I'd have to look at even more schools. But I've never heard of more than half of these schools. And makes thinking of people to ask for rec letters even more complicated. And I have work. And a life to deal with.

救命啊~ @@

Speaking of which, the admission officer for USC's online credential program keeps calling me. I can't decide which one I want to apply for. I'm stuck. But I should really call him back.

我累了...

Some Inspirational Quotes

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." - Maya Angelou

" You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who are youare, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." - Maya Angelou

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe

"If you would create something, you must be something." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"It is easier to be wise for others than for oursevles." - Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Indifference?

I'm such a weird person.

When I find myself in sticky situations that involve other people, I want to feel mad. I want to hate on them. I want to lash out on them.

But...I can't.

Instead, I say all these things that will make whoever is listening to me hate on them and talk shit about them while I end up trying to the defend the person by trying to figure out the reason for their actions.

I'm finding this to be the case more and more often. As strange as it sounds, these kinds of conversations make me feel better because usually all I'm really feeling is hurt. And just hearing others lash out tell me that there are others who care and will stand up for me if I needed them to.

There are some people who get mad easily and forgive easily. I'm one of those people who don't get mad very easily, which is to say that if I do get mad, I won't forgive easily. But with this most recent situation, I find myself super pissed for two days (that I don't even want to sleep) but also find myself forgiving them for betraying my trust after the pissiness has gone away.

Have I gotten soft? Is this just because I have matured just a little more? Or do I simply just not care at all?

Maybe this whole thing just wasn't as important to me as I thought it was. Or is it because it's just SO important to me that I'm okay with easily forgiving.

I wish I knew.

I think back and wonder why I was so tolerant with certain things. Why I just let some comments hurt/offend me and not stand up for myself. What does this all mean to me?

Man, I wish I understood myself much better.

Outcome

我覺得我長大了.

朋友真的很重要. 我真的很謝謝我朋友給我的支持和鼓勵. 沒有他們的話, 我那會有那個勇氣去面對這個事情.

This is all very new to me still. I'm still processing everything that happened today. So much stuff to absorb.

But this definitely has blatantly pointed out some of my personality flaws. While I know about these flaws, and they really are flaws, I'm still deciding whether or not I want to change them. That sounds kind of strange but the truth is, some of these flaws exist due to the standards and morals I set for myself. So the ultimate decision is whether or not I want to change these standards.

This needs some thinking.

But either way, I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone today. I deserve a pat on the back for that. *pats back*

隨緣吧~

曖昧

This song describes my thoughts exactly.

曖昧

詞︰姜憶萱/顏璽軒
曲︰小冷

曖昧讓人受盡委屈 找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進 何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

只能陪你到這裡 畢竟有些事不可以
超過了友情 還不到愛情
遠方就要下雨的風景

到底該不該哭泣 想太多是我還是你
我很不服氣 也開始懷疑
眼前的人是不是同一個真實的你

曖昧讓人受盡委屈 找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進 何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

曖昧讓人變得貪心 直到等待失去意義
無奈我和你 寫不出結局
放遺憾的美麗 停在這裡

曖昧讓人受盡委屈 找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進 何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

曖昧讓人變得貪心 直到等待失去意義
無奈我和你 寫不出結局
放遺憾的美麗 停在這裡
===

I thought that I was finally going to be able to overcome my own obstacle, my own fear. But it seems like the whole situation has turned itself around and smacking me in the face.

我現在的心情很複雜. 我應該是要傷心還是生氣? 怎麼有一點被利用的感覺. 他說他已經很久沒喜歡一個人了. 那這前兩個月到底是怎麼回事? 現在越想越氣...開始有心痛的感覺. 我本來是跟你說我沒有喜歡的人, 但我好像偷偷地開始對你有感覺了.

我到底該怎麼辦? 還是跟她談吧...不想讓過去的事再發生一變.

....那對你要怎樣?

Goal

My goal for this year is to hopefully be able to discover myself. I want to be able to understand myself fully. I want to know what I'm looking for and what I want.

So this is what this blog will be about. My journey towards my self-discovery whether it be about friendships, relationships, family, personal morals and values. It is really time for me to understand me. Because I ain't getting anywhere without it.

Once again, I have a lot I want to write.

But for now...

...I think I may have made the wrong decision again. Maybe I should've stayed in Taiwan. Maybe I should've stayed in Palo Alto. I thought I'd come back to Berkeley to give some things a chance. But maybe in the end, that opportunity really didn't exist in the first place.

I'd never thought this would happen to me. And hopefully things don't turn out the same way as in the past. I don't really know what to do.

I hope I'm not being used. Because I'm really opening myself up here.

I guess we'll see.

Man, life is so complicated.