Flustered

Researching schools gives me a headache. @@

Applying for graduate school is so much harder than applying for undergrad. Simply picking schools is quite a headache because this time you're picking schools based on program rather than on fame. But of course, given the fact that I did attend a top university for my undergrad career, I feel this pressure to attend an university that is equally as good or better.

I keep putting all this stuff off. I'm trying to do multiple things at once. Trying to get all my exams done before apps are due. Trying to figure out what schools I want to apply for before the apps are due. Gathering all the diff essay prompts for all the diff schools so that I can start working on those. Figuring out if there is a way for me to simultaneously do two master programs at two different schools (one on-campus and the other online). Which would mean I'd have to look at even more schools. But I've never heard of more than half of these schools. And makes thinking of people to ask for rec letters even more complicated. And I have work. And a life to deal with.

救命啊~ @@

Speaking of which, the admission officer for USC's online credential program keeps calling me. I can't decide which one I want to apply for. I'm stuck. But I should really call him back.

我累了...

Some Inspirational Quotes

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." - Maya Angelou

" You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who are youare, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." - Maya Angelou

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe

"If you would create something, you must be something." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"It is easier to be wise for others than for oursevles." - Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Indifference?

I'm such a weird person.

When I find myself in sticky situations that involve other people, I want to feel mad. I want to hate on them. I want to lash out on them.

But...I can't.

Instead, I say all these things that will make whoever is listening to me hate on them and talk shit about them while I end up trying to the defend the person by trying to figure out the reason for their actions.

I'm finding this to be the case more and more often. As strange as it sounds, these kinds of conversations make me feel better because usually all I'm really feeling is hurt. And just hearing others lash out tell me that there are others who care and will stand up for me if I needed them to.

There are some people who get mad easily and forgive easily. I'm one of those people who don't get mad very easily, which is to say that if I do get mad, I won't forgive easily. But with this most recent situation, I find myself super pissed for two days (that I don't even want to sleep) but also find myself forgiving them for betraying my trust after the pissiness has gone away.

Have I gotten soft? Is this just because I have matured just a little more? Or do I simply just not care at all?

Maybe this whole thing just wasn't as important to me as I thought it was. Or is it because it's just SO important to me that I'm okay with easily forgiving.

I wish I knew.

I think back and wonder why I was so tolerant with certain things. Why I just let some comments hurt/offend me and not stand up for myself. What does this all mean to me?

Man, I wish I understood myself much better.

Outcome

我覺得我長大了.

朋友真的很重要. 我真的很謝謝我朋友給我的支持和鼓勵. 沒有他們的話, 我那會有那個勇氣去面對這個事情.

This is all very new to me still. I'm still processing everything that happened today. So much stuff to absorb.

But this definitely has blatantly pointed out some of my personality flaws. While I know about these flaws, and they really are flaws, I'm still deciding whether or not I want to change them. That sounds kind of strange but the truth is, some of these flaws exist due to the standards and morals I set for myself. So the ultimate decision is whether or not I want to change these standards.

This needs some thinking.

But either way, I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone today. I deserve a pat on the back for that. *pats back*

隨緣吧~

曖昧

This song describes my thoughts exactly.

曖昧

詞︰姜憶萱/顏璽軒
曲︰小冷

曖昧讓人受盡委屈 找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進 何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

只能陪你到這裡 畢竟有些事不可以
超過了友情 還不到愛情
遠方就要下雨的風景

到底該不該哭泣 想太多是我還是你
我很不服氣 也開始懷疑
眼前的人是不是同一個真實的你

曖昧讓人受盡委屈 找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進 何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

曖昧讓人變得貪心 直到等待失去意義
無奈我和你 寫不出結局
放遺憾的美麗 停在這裡

曖昧讓人受盡委屈 找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進 何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

曖昧讓人變得貪心 直到等待失去意義
無奈我和你 寫不出結局
放遺憾的美麗 停在這裡
===

I thought that I was finally going to be able to overcome my own obstacle, my own fear. But it seems like the whole situation has turned itself around and smacking me in the face.

我現在的心情很複雜. 我應該是要傷心還是生氣? 怎麼有一點被利用的感覺. 他說他已經很久沒喜歡一個人了. 那這前兩個月到底是怎麼回事? 現在越想越氣...開始有心痛的感覺. 我本來是跟你說我沒有喜歡的人, 但我好像偷偷地開始對你有感覺了.

我到底該怎麼辦? 還是跟她談吧...不想讓過去的事再發生一變.

....那對你要怎樣?

Goal

My goal for this year is to hopefully be able to discover myself. I want to be able to understand myself fully. I want to know what I'm looking for and what I want.

So this is what this blog will be about. My journey towards my self-discovery whether it be about friendships, relationships, family, personal morals and values. It is really time for me to understand me. Because I ain't getting anywhere without it.

Once again, I have a lot I want to write.

But for now...

...I think I may have made the wrong decision again. Maybe I should've stayed in Taiwan. Maybe I should've stayed in Palo Alto. I thought I'd come back to Berkeley to give some things a chance. But maybe in the end, that opportunity really didn't exist in the first place.

I'd never thought this would happen to me. And hopefully things don't turn out the same way as in the past. I don't really know what to do.

I hope I'm not being used. Because I'm really opening myself up here.

I guess we'll see.

Man, life is so complicated.