Sigh

Depressed. Stressed. Simply not enjoying life. What I really want to do right now is get out of here, and not turn around.

Berkeley was never a happy place for me. From my first failed "relationship" to never happy roommate situations every single year. And yet I keep tricking myself by thinking it will be better the next year. And it never is. And now I find myself back in the dumps.

I'm getting so tired of drama. Drama after drama. My life is just filled with drama. And as much as I want to forget about the past, the past will never leave me. If I stay in Berkeley anymore, I will only be continually haunted by my wretched past. I seriously need to leave this place.

But I cannot just leave right now. My work is not done yet. The only thing left keeping me sane is my work. And I will not desert it. So, despite all my unhappiness here, I will fight. I will stay strong. Just one more year. And then I will leave this horrible place and not turn back. Because there is nothing here left for me. Not even a single friend (barely).

不管我到哪裡, 我總是覺得很寂寞.

怎麼辦?

Break

I am so over blogging....

...for now.

There are tons of things I want to write. But I'm back at the stage where I think about the things, but never actually write them down. Just no motivation I guess. And I have a lot of entries that I started and have never finished.

So I guess I'm going to be taking a break now. I will return when I find that motivation again.

Expectations

I find it interesting how people think I have high expectations of them. I'm not sure where they get this from. Maybe it's because of how I react to certain things or the things I say to others.

In reality, I really am just a whatever person. 一個很隨便的人.

Yes, I may disapprove of some things you may do, I may show my disapproval. But I'm not going to get on your case if you continue doing it. As long as you keep yourself safe, then go for it. Though it may seem like it at times, I am NOT your mother. I am not going to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. I may give you my opinion or advice, but I don't expect you to listen and follow.

It all really comes down to trust. I trust you to know what the right thing to do is. If you think what you are doing is the right thing for you, then I am not going to get in your way.

The only person I have high expectations for is myself. Sometimes it's a good thing. Other times it's a bad thing. It's hard to find that balance and I know that I can't do it on my own. One day...

I Write for Me

Just to clarify with the very few readers I have.

Sometimes I need a space. A space to whine. A space to complain. A space to share my joys. A space to share my sorrows. And I have made this blog my space. I write whatever is in my head because this blog is for me. There is no censoring.

To those who read this. I have not told many people about this blog. In fact, I have only given three people the address to this blog. This is how personal and private this blog is to me. I write this blog for me. But yet, I still let some people in because I am okay with them knowing the real me. Sometimes I feel as though my actions and reactions to things can be misinterpreted from what is really going on in my head. So this is it. This is the real deal. No hiding behind a mask because there is no mask to hide behind here.

Given that, when I do rant, I'd take it with a grain of salt. I don't get angry much so when I do I get pissed like no other. But it goes away pretty fast. But yea.

I don't really know why I'm writing this since this is a blog for me. But hey, gotta respect the readers I do have right? xP

The Power of Observation

I like to observe. I especially like to check out people's living spaces. Because that is how I gather information about people. You'd be surprised by how much you can learn about a person by just looking at his/her room or wallet. I think I learn more about a person through observation rather than by talking with him/her.

I am not an analytical person. I don't always analyze things. Sometimes, I think the answer to "why does he/she do this?" is simply, "because that's how he/she is." with no need for further analysis. But I'm always observing. I look out for body language. I look out for lil quirks. I notice patterns. I'm not always observing, but I do do it often.

Basically, always keep your eyes and ears open. You'd be amazed at the things you can learn just from hearing and seeing.

Though, observation can also be wrong too because most of the time it leads to speculation. And we all know what assuming does...

To Someone

Please do NOT fall for me.

I can tell that you are becoming more comfortable around me. Which is totally fine. But please don't change that into liking. Because that's not fine, and it's not something I want to deal with right now. There are so many reasons I can list for why this would not work with the first being that you are younger than me and I see you as a kid and nothing more. I do not want to have to reject and hurt you.

So, let's just be friends. We can be good friends. But that's all we can be.

Thank you.