The Need to Feel Wanted

I think another way of explaining this need to belong is also the need to feel wanted, but in a healthy sense, and not in a way in which I just get taken granted for.

I'm a pretty independent person. I take care of myself, and I take care of others. I started getting called mommy by my friends in high school because I was always being a mother to them, pestering them about things their parents probably pester them about, and do small acts of caringness like covering them with a blanket/jacket when I find them napping outside. My mom always said that I took care of my friends better than my family. Maybe it's true.

Once I entered college, I continued this mother role with my floormates. I don't really know how it happens, it just does. One of my friends always wonders why I don't want kids when I'm already being a mother to everyone. Maybe that's why. LoL.

But once I started living off campus, that role slowly disappeared. Or maybe not disappeared persay, but more like changed. I didn't live alone. I was still a "mother" to my roommate, but not in the sense that I wanted. I did not want to pick up after my roommate, wash dishes for her, tolerate her mess, and clean up after her. This role continued for the rest of my college career, despite switching roommates. And it also made me really want to just live alone.

But now that college is over, and a summer has passed, I've realized that living alone is not what I want. As independent as I am, sometimes I feel like I'm too independent, and just get tired of having to deal with everything by myself. I don't know, it's just a bunch of confusion.

[this is where my mind started wandering, so i took a break.]

Anyways, now that a summer has passed with me moving from place to place, I've come to understand what I really want in terms of living standards. I don't want to live alone. 我想要人陪. I want to have someone to go home to, someone to cook meals for/with and enjoy with. This someone doesn't have to be a significant other, a friend is just as good. But just someone so that I don't end up cooking a whole tableful of food and then spending a week finishing (mainly because I do not know how to cook for one person). While the cooking part is fun, the eating part isn't very enjoyable when you find yourself eating by yourself. It also makes you eat a lot more too, which might explain why I always feel so fat after eating my own cooking.

Haha, I think I've gone off topic again. But anyhow, I guess I just want to continue feeling wanted. Maybe not like "I want you to cook for me" wanted, but just knowing that people will think of me when they need someone to turn to. People will think of me when they have news to share. Okay, maybe "people" is asking a little too much. But, one person isn't asking too much right?

Maybe this isn't really wanting to feel wanted. But just wanting to know that I am more to others than someone who does your bitchwork and cleans up after you.

This is such a confusing entry.

The Need to Belong

This is a little late, but my dad went back to China last Saturday. The week before that, my mom and little brother went back to China. This year, I have spent more than a month of summer with my family, which is more time than I usually spend with them since they relocated to China. It's been a long time since I've cried about leaving people. But as I packed up my things in the empty hotel room and drove off to Annie's house, I found myself crying.

This summer has been quite eventful, in good ways and bad. It's definitely not how I had expected it to be. My ideal summer after graduation was to be going on some sort of graduation trip with friends (2-week cruise to Bahamas/Carribeans, trip to Europe, or Asia hopping), possibly go on a road trip, continue my usual summer trip to Taiwan, and just relax. Instead, I found myself constantly moving, from a sublet -> friend's house -> Taiwan -> friend's house -> hotel -> friend's house, and finally, back to Berkeley [5 more days!]. Life suddenly got so much more complicated as I struggled to juggle multiple things at once, from finding a place to live to finding a job to simply just be happy. Now that summer has come to an end, it seems the only thing I managed to accomplish on my list of my ideal summer is my trip to Taiwan, and I guess, some relaxation.

Every year, something happens in my life where I just feel myself falling, losing grasp of myself. And during that time period of depression, confusion, and doubts, I always come to some sort of realization. Every realization is different, but it all seems to follow the same theme, theme of loneliness.

I've always found myself searching, searching for something that can help me fill this empty void, this need to feel that I belong somewhere. This all goes way back to my identity crisis that I've been going through since high school, trying to figure out if I was Taiwanese, American, or both. I still haven't completely figured it out, and I think it will be a while until I do. I need to find out where I belong first. All this constant moving has made me feel insecure and not sure where I should be heading. And I have no safe zone. No place that I can call my own. And that is how I know that even though I have family and friends who are out there, I am still, essentially, all alone.

Throughout the course of my college career, I have looked around for something I can be a part of. I participated in floor activities. I joined different clubs. Sometimes things worked out for a bit, other times they didn't. And then I found OASES. And I thought I had finally found something that can help me fill this void. I also found Taiwan, and thought the same thing. But now that I've graduated from college, reality settles in and I find myself all alone again.

There are so many things I want to accomplish in my life. The cool thing about them is that they can be done practically anywhere. I just need to find the right place.

So now I ask myself, where exactly do I belong? How do I find this? Do I find a location or organization first? Or am I looking in the wrong direction and should be looking for a someone instead? [this leads into the next post...]

Life Lesson

So I have so many things to write, but don't know which one to write first.

Let's talk about this week first.

This week has been a somewhat productive, yet tiring week. Last week was all fun and games with my mom and brother here. But after they headed back to China, it was time to get serious again.

Five interviews in three days. Three days of driving back and forth from Milpitas to Oakland/Berkeley. Sounds productive right? But in reality, it sort of felt like a waste of time. I've done so many interviews for the same type of positions that, every single time I leave from an interview, I pretty much already know that I'm not going to get the position.

Interviews are all about selling yourself. Same with cover letters and resumes. But the problem is, I don't know how to sell myself. I just know that I want to be myself. Interviews should feel more like a conversation rather than a drilling Q&A session. But it rarely ever feels that way. People kind of just shoot questions at you and you just shoot answers back. So impersonal and feels so fake at the same time.

But if that's how it goes, what can I do to change it? I've done my share of interviewing people as a coordinator so I thought I had a good idea of what a good and bad interview feels like. But I guess I was wrong. I don't know.

Anyways, five interviews sounds like a good thing to most people. But for me, it was just a frustrating thing. It just felt more like a waste of time because I already had a feeling that they probably weren't going to go well. I was just about to give up because I was having a hard time juggling job hunting and researching and applying for grad schools.

But then 老天爺 decided to give me a chance. At my third interview of the week, I ran into an old acquaintance, someone who I had worked with before at OASES. She was my group leader when I was just a tutor, and also one of my references when I was applying for summer jobs. And then her year term ended and I haven't seen her since the two years I've been coordinator. Turns out she went off to be a site coordinator for a different afterschool program.

Anyways, I ran into her. And told her about my job situation. She asked about OASES. Told her that didn't pan out. And then she asked for my resume. Told me that her site was already staffed, but that she knew other people who were still hiring and would pass on my resume to them. And next thing I know, a couple hours later, I receive a call from one of her colleagues to set up an interview. Had the interview, and the next day, received the job offer.

I really thank 老天爺 for this chance. It has shown me that having connections really make a difference. And it has made me feel really appreciated for my work in the past with OASES. It really makes me happy to know that someone appreciated my work and truly believes in me enough to vouch for me to her colleague and land me this job. And I'm very thankful that all my hardwork and dedication has finally paid off.

I know that I am really behind in life. I started the job hunt late. And definitely started the grad school prepping late. I have only myself to blame for not spending the time during my last semester in college wisely. And now I am suffering the consequences. But I'm trying. I'm trying hard to catch up. And I'm slowly getting there. =]

Multiple Post-age Coming Right Up!

Title says it all. There are tons of things I want to write. But then I get confused about which blog to write it in (xanga or here).

But yea. Look out for them.

Ugh Week.

This week is just a week lined up with interviews. I'm actually pretty exhausted and I've barely started.

This week has also been a foul one and it's only Tuesday. I have just been in a foul mood. And today was Day One of interviews and I just feel like shit. Even watching NCIS didn't make me feel any better.

And then I realized it. I didn't bring my lucky cat along.

Sometimes I can be superstitious.

Must remember to bring lucky cat tomorrow. @@

Change

我已經不是大學生了, 不能一直過著大學生的生活.

要開始好好地調整自己. 雖然還不算是上班族, 但要開始改變自己的心態. 多看看書, 不要一直坐在電腦前面. 也要注意自己的健康, 要吃健康一點, 也要從新開始運動.

我之前過的生活也太蘭了吧.

It's time for a change.

Job hunting is like an uphill downhill rode. Some days I get really excited and motivated when I see all the job postings. Other days, staring at the computer searching for jobs makes me super depressed.

Quite an adventure I tell you.

There's actually quite a bit that I want to write in this blog. But I just haven't gotten to it yet. @@