Fails

I want to do something with my life. I want to do something that will make me feel good about myself. Because all I feel right now is disappointment.

I am such a failure.

An Unexpected Turn of Events

Well, I guess I kind of saw it coming...but didn't expect it to happen so soon.

Part of me just wants to burst out in tears. The other part of me doesn't really know what to do.

The sad thing is that after Thanksgiving, I was ready to move on. But then someone decided to get in the middle of our business and talk and now things are all messed up again.

I don't really know what to say right now. Once again, this is horrible timing. Now I don't really know what to look forward to.

I wish I had someone to talk to here. I wish I had a home or family nearby that I could just go to. Alas, I have neither.

Stuck.

I just want to go home.

But where is home?

Reality Check

Last week I got to take a break from everything. I got an opportunity to put all my worries aside and really live life. And it was truly wonderful.

I am thankful for...

...my dad for booking these plane tickets for me with his mileage

...chenchen for driving me everywhere and letting me crash his place

...v&chen for listening and giving me the reality check that i needed

...v&y for letting me hang with them everyday even though i'm sure they wanted to have some alone time together

...wq for listening and letting us crash her place

It's been so long since I could simply just sit down and talk to someone about what's on my mind and feel comfortable doing it. It has helped me sort some things out and truly realize just how miserable I was. I am now pretty set on leaving Berkeley when the school year ends. Which is a bit unfortunate since I would love to continue working with Oakland schools.

I am grateful for being able to have this break. Even though the weather in the East Coast is horrible compared to the West Coast, I didn't want to leave. If I could stay in the East Coast, I would even though I do not like the weather. Because the company is what really matters. Just thinking about leaving made me want to cry.

But I am back in Berkeley now. I have awaken from my dream and am back in the real world. Time to face those problems again and stay strong. I will prevail. Because I almost always do. Just like how I made it through the very long CSET exam thinking I had failed at least one section. Turns out I didn't. Passed all three subtests. It was a nice welcome back gift from California. So there is my proof that I can make it through another three weeks before I close my eyes to another dream...in the faraway land of Taiwan.

add oil~ =]

Sometimes....I hate myself.

I hate how I am such a sarcastic angry bitch around people. It's no wonder no one wants to hang with me. I'm bad company.

But I'm not like this to everyone. It seems the farther away from Berkeley they are, the less sarcastic angry and bitch-like I am to them.

What is wrong with me? How do I control myself.

On a completely separate note...

The best lie is the truth.

The best lie is one that even the liar him/herself believes to be the truth. When one can't tell the difference between reality and a lie. That is incredibly scary.

Why do people even lie? What is the purpose behind hiding the truth?

Wishes

Today I stayed up, drove up up up, laid down on a rock, and watched the sky as I waited to see some shooting stars. I managed to spot four and only made a wish with one. For some reason, I just couldn't think of any wishes to make. Guess I was too busy looking for the shooting stars I didn't think about wishes.

Well, now that I'm actually thinking about wishes...my four wishes:

1. Get into Stanford.

2. My friend gets into Stanford (given that she applies)

3. To be happy.

4. To find an awesome companion.

The only wish I managed to get in with the shooting stars was the first. Guess you can tell what's been on my mind lately...

Moving On

He has found someone.

I'm glad he's moved on. Though it breaks my heart just a little bit. But it's okay. I deserved that one. It was an opportunity I missed.

It is time that I do the same too. And actually do it this time. I keep telling myself to move on. And yet find myself holding onto things.

Let go, Pam. There's nothing left to hold on to. It is really time to move on.

你會找到幸福的...你一定會的...不能放棄....只要有希望, 就會有機會成現...要加油~

Support Poles

I am so thankful to have friends who I can complain to or just say stupid things to and will take me for who I am. I don't feel neglected or left out because they will share their 心事 with me too. And they know that I don't judge despite all the judging comments I make.

However, it is very unfortunate that all of these friends are either in a different country or a different state. Today, I spent an hour talking to a friend who is on the other side of the Pacific Ocean. I have not talked to him in person for 3 years. And today I finally got to hear his voice again. Three years of no communication and we were able to just talk for like an hour plus, just like the good old times. Granted, I was helping him with something so we had something to talk about. But during the conversation, he would still share stories of his time in the army, filling up the time gap that we missed during our no communication.

These are the kind of friends I need to be around. People who can lean on each other. Here at Berkeley, I'm just a leaning post. I'm the supportive one, the one who takes care of those who need it. And that's ok. But I need a support pole for myself too. And I've decided that I'm not going to waste my time looking for one here because I simply just don't care.

I will just look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas, where I will be in the same location as my support poles.