Break

I am so over blogging....

...for now.

There are tons of things I want to write. But I'm back at the stage where I think about the things, but never actually write them down. Just no motivation I guess. And I have a lot of entries that I started and have never finished.

So I guess I'm going to be taking a break now. I will return when I find that motivation again.

Expectations

I find it interesting how people think I have high expectations of them. I'm not sure where they get this from. Maybe it's because of how I react to certain things or the things I say to others.

In reality, I really am just a whatever person. 一個很隨便的人.

Yes, I may disapprove of some things you may do, I may show my disapproval. But I'm not going to get on your case if you continue doing it. As long as you keep yourself safe, then go for it. Though it may seem like it at times, I am NOT your mother. I am not going to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. I may give you my opinion or advice, but I don't expect you to listen and follow.

It all really comes down to trust. I trust you to know what the right thing to do is. If you think what you are doing is the right thing for you, then I am not going to get in your way.

The only person I have high expectations for is myself. Sometimes it's a good thing. Other times it's a bad thing. It's hard to find that balance and I know that I can't do it on my own. One day...

I Write for Me

Just to clarify with the very few readers I have.

Sometimes I need a space. A space to whine. A space to complain. A space to share my joys. A space to share my sorrows. And I have made this blog my space. I write whatever is in my head because this blog is for me. There is no censoring.

To those who read this. I have not told many people about this blog. In fact, I have only given three people the address to this blog. This is how personal and private this blog is to me. I write this blog for me. But yet, I still let some people in because I am okay with them knowing the real me. Sometimes I feel as though my actions and reactions to things can be misinterpreted from what is really going on in my head. So this is it. This is the real deal. No hiding behind a mask because there is no mask to hide behind here.

Given that, when I do rant, I'd take it with a grain of salt. I don't get angry much so when I do I get pissed like no other. But it goes away pretty fast. But yea.

I don't really know why I'm writing this since this is a blog for me. But hey, gotta respect the readers I do have right? xP

The Power of Observation

I like to observe. I especially like to check out people's living spaces. Because that is how I gather information about people. You'd be surprised by how much you can learn about a person by just looking at his/her room or wallet. I think I learn more about a person through observation rather than by talking with him/her.

I am not an analytical person. I don't always analyze things. Sometimes, I think the answer to "why does he/she do this?" is simply, "because that's how he/she is." with no need for further analysis. But I'm always observing. I look out for body language. I look out for lil quirks. I notice patterns. I'm not always observing, but I do do it often.

Basically, always keep your eyes and ears open. You'd be amazed at the things you can learn just from hearing and seeing.

Though, observation can also be wrong too because most of the time it leads to speculation. And we all know what assuming does...

To Someone

Please do NOT fall for me.

I can tell that you are becoming more comfortable around me. Which is totally fine. But please don't change that into liking. Because that's not fine, and it's not something I want to deal with right now. There are so many reasons I can list for why this would not work with the first being that you are younger than me and I see you as a kid and nothing more. I do not want to have to reject and hurt you.

So, let's just be friends. We can be good friends. But that's all we can be.

Thank you.

Sacrifice

Today's car ride back from work was filled with lots of thinking.

我覺得我好像在虐待自己. 有何必這樣做嗎? 為什麼事情老實要搞得這麼複雜? 是我自己搞的嗎?

好想逃避. 但, 我能逃到哪裡去呢? 不管我到哪裡去 (台灣或美國), 還是有些過去的事要面臨. 但每次去面對好像只會把它弄得更複雜.

好頭痛ㄛ~

I wish I could just let go and not care anymore and just walk away. 但我不是這種人. 我就是要知道. Would I rather know something and get hurt knowing or not know it at all? But there's always the risk of me finding out later and getting hurt still. So I guess the results are still the same.

每次都覺得我好想在犧牲自己. Sacrifice myself so that others can be happy. 說到犧牲, 就會讓我看我桌上貼的quotes:

"Sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to."

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really using it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

- The Five People You Meet in Heaven

這就是我的命, 沒辦法改變的. 只能勇敢的去過. 我心甘情願地犧牲自己, 把我的快樂交給別人. 自己做的決定就要自己負責. 我已經做了這個決定, 就得接受the consequences.

不用快樂, 但還是要好好地過生活. 加油, 本珺, 你一定可以的.

But that wasn't all that was on my mind today...

Charity

I don't mind giving to charity. If it's for a good cause, then I'm totally for it. So in most cases, I don't mind spending money on benefit events because I'm essentially donating money for a good cause. I've even made it my goal to donate money to a charity on my birthday every year (this whole thing started after that Sichuan earthquake hit in China on my birthday).

But what happens if I don't want to give to a particular charity? I just heard about this tennis benefit event that's happening this weekend. Apparently a really famous men's doubles team will be showcasing there which has caught my interest. I'd love to go watch a good tennis match. And it's only $20 for a ticket which I think is totally fine for a benefit event.

But here comes the conflict. This event is for Alta Bates, the hospital where I made two emergency room visits to and had probably one of the worst experiences of my life. Yes, it's usually good to donate money to a hospital. But given the shitty service I received from them, I don't want particularly want to cough up money to donate to them, even if it is $20.

But I want to go watch tennis.

Oh man, such a conflict. What do I do. @@